nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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