Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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