i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
