He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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