guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Randomize
