if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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