Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
