I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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