I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
