god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
