my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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