Kiss
Puke
Me. At least after what I've been through.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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