It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
