if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
