Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
What drink are we having for lunch?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
