Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
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