so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
