Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
