I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
