Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
