Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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