Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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