I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
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