I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
