Only a mothe r could love this liver
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
