I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
