happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
