I just pynch a tree in the face
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Dick very happy bro
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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