so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
