I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
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