My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
