i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
