Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
So squirting runs in the family.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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