I CAN MOONWALK!
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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