I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
