i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
the liver wants what the liver wants
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
