the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
