Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
