i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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