AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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