Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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