Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
