You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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