Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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