i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
