i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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