Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
