Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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