It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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