I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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